Dumbocrats, Republicants, and Chickens In Depends

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Tuesday's election results prove beyond the shadow of a doubt that America's political parties are in need of rebranding. Their current names are essentially tautological platitudes devoid of any meaningful information as to how they and their members operate.

dem-o-crat | ˈdeməˌkrat |noun1 an advocate or supporter of democracy.2 ( Democrat) a member of the Democratic Party.ORIGIN late 18th cent. (originally denoting an opponent of the aristocrats in the French Revolution of 1790): from French démocrate, on the pattern of aristocrate ‘aristocrat.’

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re-pub-li-can | rəˈpəbləkən |adjective(of a form of government, constitution, etc.) belonging to, or characteristic of a republic.• advocating or supporting republican government : the republican movement.noun1 a person advocating or supporting republican government.2 ( Republican) a member or supporter of the Republican Party.DERIVATIVESrepublicanism |-ˌnizəm| noun

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in-de-pend-ent | ˌindəˈpendənt |adjective1 free from outside control; not depending on another's authority : the study is totallyindependent of central government | Canada's largest independent investment firm.• (of a country) self-governing : India became independent in 1947.• not belonging to or supported by a political party : the independent candidate.• (of broadcasting, a school, etc.) not supported by public funds.• not influenced or affected by others; impartial : a thorough and independent investigation of the case.• ( Independent) historical Congregational.2 not depending on another for livelihood or subsistence : I wanted to remainindependent in old age.• capable of thinking or acting for oneself : advice for independent travelers.• (of income or resources) making it unnecessary to earn one's living : a woman of independent means.3 not connected with another or with each other; separate : we need two independent witnesses to testify | the legislature and the judicature are independent of each other.• not depending on something else for strength or effectiveness; freestanding : an independent electric shower.• Mathematics (of one of a set of axioms, equations, or quantities) incapable of being expressed in terms of, or derived or deduced from, the others.nounan independent person or body.• an independent political candidate, voter, etc.• ( Independent) historical a Congregationalist.DERIVATIVESindependently adverb

ORIGIN early 17th cent. (as an adjective): partly on the pattern of Frenchindépendant.

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Instead of these meaningless monikers I hereby propose the following upgrades to party nomenclature:

1. From now on, Democrats will be known as Dumbocrats.
This change would clearly describe how the party operates by cleverly conflating the adjective dumb and the proper noun Dumbo as follows:

The party leaders and the general membership have shown that they are absolutely dumb, as in mute, speechless, tongue-tied, silent, at a loss for words whenever it is most important for them to tell the truth  to the electorate. In 2010 there was absolute silence about the fact the winners of state races would get to redraw the map of congressional districts. This year the silence was deafening regarding the successes racked up by President Obama and their party in the face of 100% obstructionism from the GOP.

In this way the party regularly validates the accuracy of having a jackass as its mascot. This is no ordinary jackass, however. It is actually an elephant in donkey's clothing, and its name is Dumbo.

2. From now on, Republicans will be known as Republicants.

This change also utilizes a conflation, that of the noun cant and the contraction can't (sans apostrophe), to better describe how the party operates.

The once proud party of Lincoln, which once championed the abolition of slavery and afterword enfranchisement for black Americans, now pushes a scorched-earth political agenda based on cant, that is, hypocritical and sanctimonious talk, typically of a moral, religious, or political nature. While claiming to be champions of individual liberty and small government, they work to enact laws designed to limit the rights of any and all who do not agree with their narrow-minded ideology. Every initiative the party now supports involves telling Americans what they can't do.

3. From now on, Independents will be known as Chickens In Depends.
A final conflation of the common noun depends with Depends, the brand name of the well-known incontinence garment, describes the excremental workings of this nonaligned political entity.

These folks attempt to have things both ways. Unlike the venerable chicken that crossed the road for an unknown reason, these are free-range chickens. They boldly walk down the center line, choosing to dodge accountability left and right. There are not enough of them to constitute a majority at any level of government, but the outcome of many an election depends on where and when they drop their Depends and deposit their copious discharge of manure. This action often causes a sufficient number of politically aligned voters to swerve from the path leading to a desired outcome and instead to elect candidates who have no interest in their well-being. Ralph Nader and H. Ross Perot qualify as saints in the minds of the nonaligned, independent voting bloc, henceforth known as Chickens In Depends.